I have seasonal depression, mixed in with very complicated feelings and memories that are associated with the month of November onward but I think this year
this year feels very tangibly different because usually, like every other year since I was about eleven, there's always been Something going wrong. Always, every year, Every Single Year, without fail. Just last year things were going wrong, and I was struggling really hard to fix things so that life would suck less and anyways.
This year feels, is, different because everything and everyone that I love is okay. My life is Okay. I got to see my favorite band in the whole entire world (my chemical romance) for the first time at the beginning of last month and again at the end of it. I should be Okay.
But I'm not.
I feel the absence of something inside of me, inside of my life.
I am lacking in Something and I don't even know what it is I just know that it's Missing and it's dragging me down. I suspect it had something to do with seeing the face of God (mcr) and not knowing how to deal with such an honor. I also think it's because seeing My Chemical Romance has made me realize that life is short and I should be doing beautiful, meaningful things instead of being miserable all the time and I want to, I want to so badly do the things that I love but I don't know how to get from point A to point B. My whole entire life I've just been going with whatever has been given to me because never have I had any semblance of control in my life and now that I'm a sentient human being with wants and needs I don't know how to take it. I don't know how to get to the things that I want and I don't know of anyone else who Does.
Everyone else is just going through the motions except they're content with doing that.
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